The Daily Splash

Full wedding picture gallery now online here

The full story has only just emerged of the full amazing sacrifice made by Douglas brother Martin for his big brother’s wedding in September. Martin is the drummer in the fabulous Baghdaddies who provided the music for the day in typically Balkan-soul-funk-jazz-mastery style. A few weeks beforehand he asked the couple if they would like a particular request for their first dance, and for sentimental reasons they chose “Crazy” originally performed by Gnarls Barkley.

Unfortunately for Martin none of the Baghdaddies were able to sing high enough to perform the song at their usual high level so, as it was Martin’s brother getting married, it fell to him to undergo the “operation” to enable those pesky high notes to be reached.

Reviews of the gig suggest that Martin was right to distance himself from his plums as his singing was as high and clear as it would have been when he was a cherubic 9 year old choirboy and the rendition of “crazy” was almost note perfect, with added Baghdaddies style. Those who might have seen this as a sacrifice too far will be comforted by the reaction of Martin’s partner Jane, who, inbetween wiping breast milk off the dog’s head, extracting a christmas tree bauble from Annabell’s mouth, providing sustenance for 10 week old Isaac, making Martin’s tea, wrapping christmas presents, tidying toys from the floor to avoid slipping on them and doing charitable works around the neighbourhood paused long enough to suggest that Martin would have had to keep himself to himself from now on anyway if there was any chance that further offspring would result.

A great night had by all and an excellent outcome all round!

While wedding guests were enjoying an open-top bus tour of Newcastle there were dramatic scenes in Jesmond Vale as Mark Savage, genius of the photographic image, needed to be rescued from the back seat of Catherine’s Mini after the seat jammed. Fortunately Cafe Bar One again came to the rescue—this time with the loan of a tin opener to remove the Mini’s roof.

Mary Gotts was credited with matchmaking genius following the unleashing of the incredible hat of pulling at the wedding.

Bridesmaid Hattie admitted to being “overcome with lust” upon seeing best man Ian sporting the elegant titfer. The Daily Splash has, until now been unable to verify reports that the traditional extension of the best man’s duties beyond the end of the wedding day continued with the bagging of the bridesmaid, but we are willing to pay for the story—from the evidence of our exclusive picture the hat was clearly having it’s desired effect.

Reports that Simon was later wearing nothing but the hat and a rubber gorilla hand in the foyer of Malmaison have similarly still not been confirmed. Did you see anything? Contact kissandtellbitch@thedailysplash.co.uk

Stephanie and Paul, family members of the renowned McWhirter clan of “Guiness Book of World Records” fame were over the moon to discover Britain’s tallest man at the wedding. “We were resigned to an expensive and boring trip to the north east” claimed Stephanie, “but our chance meeting with Stumpy at the wedding really made our day worthwhile. We are even in negotiations over a possible lead role in our Christmas panto, Snow White.”

The happy couple were nearly not so happy when it emerged that the wedding cake had been unthinkingly cut up by Milburns staff before it had been officially cut by the couple. As Simon later pointed out “the cutting of the cake is a symbolic act analogous to the breaching of the bride’s virginity—much as I enjoyed Mark the chef’s brown ale jus, I think it should have been my knife plunging into the soft fruity interior of the cake and not his.”

They are pictured right, safely directing their fury at the cake, and not at the culpable Milburns staff.

Catherine and Simon were at loggerheads again yesterday when it was discovered that a large number of cow-themed items had mysteriously appeared on the wedding list and been purchased by generous guests. These included a fridge, a full set of cow print bed linen, six Friesian-patterned toasters, a family fun-sized pack of Britain’s Farm Animals and an actual cow.

Simon declared his surprise at the addition of these items, not least because Netto where they have the list does not stock any of them. “We have a pact that the number of cow-themed items will decrease in our house on regular basis, and that no new items will arrive. I was under the impression that I had managed to cure Catherine of her obsession—clearly I was wrong.”

Catherine professed herself as mystified as everyone else. She claimed “since our trip to Brighton to purchase a life-sized mirrorball cow, which now resides in the garden, I have agreed to buy no more cow-related items, I can only assume that the cow memorabilia industry was facing ruin without my patronage and has somehow infiltrated the list.”

XLR8R in early 90’s glamourous pomp

Fans of nearly-famous 90s heavy metal band XLR8R were in a frenzy today when it was announced that their long-lost classic album, “Hair Today…” had been rediscovered in an attic.

Former bass-god Simon Douglas, now sadly lacking his once-famous tresses, was ecstatic. “This could be what the music world has been waiting for” he said, “we have been putting up with rubbish like Oasis, Keane, Coldplay and Razorlight for long enough – this could represent a long overdue return for heavy metal!”

When contacted for her verdict however, fiancée Catherine declared the masterwork “crap” and claimed she would never have agreed to marry a “greasy long-hair hippy dropout bass-player” if he hadn’t cleaned up his act and got a proper job, and in addition”, she added, needlessly, “all this wailing about nothing and widdly-widdly, Judas Priest-style guitar solos just make me want to tear my own hair out.”

Cathy B the “Topless totty from Teddington” ties all our tongues on her wedding day and gives a sneak preview of the treat in store for lucky new husband Simon tonight. All was not complete however until she got her kit off for the attentions of the Daily Splash snapper.

It’s obvious that there will be many references today to the “fine pair” that Catherine and Simon make but now we have made sure that he is not the only one who knows what a fine pair is hiding under the wedding dress. Lucky lucky boy!

The internationally acclaimed Guardian Soulmates dating website was again in the news today when its latest successful match up became a marriage. Noswampdonkey and Ghostwriter tied the knot after meeting through the website in early 2006, although the Soulmates website declined the couples’ kind invitation to contribute to the wedding costs in return for some surely much-needed publicity.

Ghostwriter told us in an exclusive interview “Although I first encountered Noswampdonkey in the Forth pub in Newcastle I recognised her from the website. I smiled at her and she smiled back, although she has since denied it so maybe it was just her twitch. Fortunately it was mid-February at the time and Soulmates had a ‘Valentine’s day special offer’, giving membership for £14.95, so it wasn’t too much of a gamble getting in touch. Her profile did suggest that she was a little eccentric, though, but I have yet to see her knitting while rollerblading”

Noswampdonkey has a somewhat different view, perhaps because she had to pay £19.95 for the privilege of returning the message. “I thought I was being stalked at first because I didn’t know who on earth this person was. He seemed to know an awful lot about me – which was strange until I remembered I was advertising myself and my lifestyle on the internet. He turned out not to be too bad though…even though he claimed to like ‘late night philosophising with red wine’ – all I get now is Match of the Day and a bit of dribbling.”