The Daily Splash

Jesmond Cricket Club was surprisingly the venue for one of the most exciting events of modern times on 20th June 08—Catherine and Simon’s engagement party. Most of the guests entered into the spirit of recreating renaissance Venice (although, sadly, without any of the orgiastic connotations that that may suggest).

The Bellinis flowed with great abandon and the bar staff served with such skill that it was almost possible to forget the swirling patterns in the carpet for a while and be transported back in time to one of the most sophisticated cities in Europe. The musical entertainment was provided by the Baghdaddies, Balkan-soul-funk- jazz masters who, as usual, were fighting off the groupies (left) between songs. Their music provided the backdrop to some of the most memorable scenes of the evening, when Simon attempted to dance with his mum, who later needed treatment for severe bruising on the feet. The evening reached a climax when Simon and Catherine mounted their trusty cow parade cow and rode off unsteadily into the Jesmond night.

There were unprecedented scenes of excitement today when the latest “Cow Parade” exhibition was unveiled in Jesmond Vale.

Several groups of inebriated students had already tried and failed to steal the life sized mirror ball cow when it was unveiled without the expected presence of fellow owners Elton John, Mother Teresa, Madonna and Sir Trevor MaCDonald. A local resident, who gave his name as Salguod Nomis, said that the whole concept was causing chaos on the streets. “We don’t really need any more cows round here”, he said, “you only have to look in the windows to see the whole place is infested – I have been trying to sneak a few into the back lane on bin day every few weeks but they keep on coming back.”

As everyone is surely aware, the curator of the show is renowned local bovine obsessive Dr Catherine Bertenshaw, who also claims to have discovered a new method of encouraging cows to give up more milk – she talks to them!

Despite strong local opposition to the claims (Dr Peter Rowlinson of Newcastle University has finally read her thesis and gone on record to say “load of old bollocks!”) Dr Bertenshaw has published a new book on the subject, entitled “I love only Moo”, which enables enthusiasts to talk to animals “like that Dr Doolittle does on the Discovery Channel.”

All this be as it may, the exhibition will be open from September 12^th 2008 until September 13^th 2008 and then will hopefully be taken on a world tour.