The Daily Splash

The internationally acclaimed Guardian Soulmates dating website was again in the news today when its latest successful match up became a marriage. Noswampdonkey and Ghostwriter tied the knot after meeting through the website in early 2006, although the Soulmates website declined the couples’ kind invitation to contribute to the wedding costs in return for some surely much-needed publicity.

Ghostwriter told us in an exclusive interview “Although I first encountered Noswampdonkey in the Forth pub in Newcastle I recognised her from the website. I smiled at her and she smiled back, although she has since denied it so maybe it was just her twitch. Fortunately it was mid-February at the time and Soulmates had a ‘Valentine’s day special offer’, giving membership for £14.95, so it wasn’t too much of a gamble getting in touch. Her profile did suggest that she was a little eccentric, though, but I have yet to see her knitting while rollerblading”

Noswampdonkey has a somewhat different view, perhaps because she had to pay £19.95 for the privilege of returning the message. “I thought I was being stalked at first because I didn’t know who on earth this person was. He seemed to know an awful lot about me – which was strange until I remembered I was advertising myself and my lifestyle on the internet. He turned out not to be too bad though…even though he claimed to like ‘late night philosophising with red wine’ – all I get now is Match of the Day and a bit of dribbling.”

Serial speed dater Catherine Bertenshaw was today finally taken off the singles market after an intrepid 3 year bid to tame her eventually succeeded. A woman whose own mother has been known to describe as “formidable”, Catherine has gained a hard won reputation as a difficult woman to handle.

Lucky man, Simon, who braved some of the most unusual tests yet devised by womankind to finally get his ring on her important finger revealed today: “when she asked me to drive to Brighton in a van with her to collect three life-sized fibreglass cow parade cows I was on the verge of running for it, but something made me stay – I wanted to see what on earth would happen next!”

Well, today he found out!