The Daily Splash

Douglas in football-playing days

Simon Douglas opened his heart to the Daily Splash today as he admitted he will now never fulfill his lifelong dream of representing his boyhood heroes Newcastle United at St James Park. Despite clearly having more talent than many of those who have worn the famous black and white shirt in recent years, Douglas insists he could have made it, but concedes his time is now probably passed. “Those terrible years of sitting in the stands and watching clowns like Barton, Fereday, Dillon, Rush, Fumaca and Barnes made me want to weep, not to mention get on the pitch and show them how it’s done.”

Even several years as a staunch member of the “Freeman Queens” 5-a-side team at Eldon Square singularly failed to encourage him to come to terms with his limitations, and he could often be heard after games wishing that “Keegan had been there to see that goal!”

Even in recent years when his only contact with football was on Sky TV in the Punch Bowl public house while resting his pint on his belly he felt that all was not lost—”when you have talent like mine you know that you’re always in with a chance to fulfill your dream, but now I suppose my new married life will have to take precedence—Catherine hates football so I’ve finally retired—but even so she’s just about worth it.”