The Daily Splash

The Daily Splash can today exclusively release details of the happy couple’s honeymoon plans. Simon has finally persuaded Catherine to join him on a mountain biking trip, although she has made him promise “no mountains, or hills, or even slopes.”

Simon has revealed details of their secret training regime – “It has all been about getting Catherine to understand the physics of aerodynamics, the complex interaction between airflow, surface area and forces. In other words she goes faster if she can only close her mouth and stop complaining for a minute.”

Simon has also revealed his Plan B – “if the worst comes to the worst I’ll stick a Mars bar in my back pocket and ride just in front and out of her reach – that should concentrate her mind on getting the bike moving.”

The internationally acclaimed Guardian Soulmates dating website was again in the news today when its latest successful match up became a marriage. Noswampdonkey and Ghostwriter tied the knot after meeting through the website in early 2006, although the Soulmates website declined the couples’ kind invitation to contribute to the wedding costs in return for some surely much-needed publicity.

Ghostwriter told us in an exclusive interview “Although I first encountered Noswampdonkey in the Forth pub in Newcastle I recognised her from the website. I smiled at her and she smiled back, although she has since denied it so maybe it was just her twitch. Fortunately it was mid-February at the time and Soulmates had a ‘Valentine’s day special offer’, giving membership for £14.95, so it wasn’t too much of a gamble getting in touch. Her profile did suggest that she was a little eccentric, though, but I have yet to see her knitting while rollerblading”

Noswampdonkey has a somewhat different view, perhaps because she had to pay £19.95 for the privilege of returning the message. “I thought I was being stalked at first because I didn’t know who on earth this person was. He seemed to know an awful lot about me – which was strange until I remembered I was advertising myself and my lifestyle on the internet. He turned out not to be too bad though…even though he claimed to like ‘late night philosophising with red wine’ – all I get now is Match of the Day and a bit of dribbling.”

Weddings are a great opportunity to catch up with old friends and relive past times, and this was no exception. Unfortunately, no one told Catherine that it is sometimes best to be discreet about past events.

The Newcastle University agriculture class of 91 were having a great time until she hilariously recalled the time at university when Kerry had slept with the entire football team. It appears that her husband had been, until then, blissfully unaware of this fact and there ensued no little amount of fun as the couple worked out their issues in public….oops.

Following high level discussions and the intervention of ACAS, Jimmy Carter, Tony Blair and Kofi Annan, Simon and catherine have finally come to agreement on the wedding pictures to be allowed on the web. Please check back often in the next couple of weeks.