The Daily Splash

Catherine challenged Simon to identify as many wines as possible from a bumber pack of 12 for christmas.

He is not doing very well…

The Daily Splash finally graduated today approximately 20 years after first starting at Newcastle University, despite the presence of a presumed dangerous leopard that was spotted at the ceremony. Even taking a job there and attempting to sneak to academic achievement by the back door had failed, and had not resulted in the much-coveted invitation to join the Newcastle University Alumni Association and be spammed relentlessly for ever with adverts for reunions with people you never liked and blatent  requests for cash. Yes.

Catherine and Simon’s marriage came under early stress even as they were opening wedding presents from generous guests. Simon had been presented with a flying-V heavy metal ukulele, by Jen and Alex, which he then proceeded to attempt to play at every opportunity. Unfortunately for Catherine Simon has no singing voice and his renditions of “When I’m cleaning windows” went down so badly that even the students next door came round to complain.

The happy couple were nearly not so happy when it emerged that the wedding cake had been unthinkingly cut up by Milburns staff before it had been officially cut by the couple. As Simon later pointed out “the cutting of the cake is a symbolic act analogous to the breaching of the bride’s virginity—much as I enjoyed Mark the chef’s brown ale jus, I think it should have been my knife plunging into the soft fruity interior of the cake and not his.”

They are pictured right, safely directing their fury at the cake, and not at the culpable Milburns staff.

Catherine and Simon were at loggerheads again yesterday when it was discovered that a large number of cow-themed items had mysteriously appeared on the wedding list and been purchased by generous guests. These included a fridge, a full set of cow print bed linen, six Friesian-patterned toasters, a family fun-sized pack of Britain’s Farm Animals and an actual cow.

Simon declared his surprise at the addition of these items, not least because Netto where they have the list does not stock any of them. “We have a pact that the number of cow-themed items will decrease in our house on regular basis, and that no new items will arrive. I was under the impression that I had managed to cure Catherine of her obsession—clearly I was wrong.”

Catherine professed herself as mystified as everyone else. She claimed “since our trip to Brighton to purchase a life-sized mirrorball cow, which now resides in the garden, I have agreed to buy no more cow-related items, I can only assume that the cow memorabilia industry was facing ruin without my patronage and has somehow infiltrated the list.”

Douglas models the 2009 gold lame collection

The fashion world once again flocked to Jesmond, a leafy suburb of Newcastle upon Tyne this week as it was revealed that the next season’s collection of Frank Dandy Superwear pants would be modelled by Simon Douglas.

As can be seen by our exclusive picture the catwalks in Paris and Milan have been missing a trick for years while Simon’s agent was mysteriously untroubled by demands for his talents.

When asked about his Frank Dandy history Simon said “It was on a holiday to Sweden that we first discovered these amazing pants, and I have been wearing them ever since.”

Despite the expense of trips to Sweden Simon has been photographed in no other pants since 2006. Catherine, who had to be restrained during the photoshoot, was drooling too much to be interviewed and was unfit to comment sensibly.

XLR8R in early 90’s glamourous pomp

Fans of nearly-famous 90s heavy metal band XLR8R were in a frenzy today when it was announced that their long-lost classic album, “Hair Today…” had been rediscovered in an attic.

Former bass-god Simon Douglas, now sadly lacking his once-famous tresses, was ecstatic. “This could be what the music world has been waiting for” he said, “we have been putting up with rubbish like Oasis, Keane, Coldplay and Razorlight for long enough – this could represent a long overdue return for heavy metal!”

When contacted for her verdict however, fiancée Catherine declared the masterwork “crap” and claimed she would never have agreed to marry a “greasy long-hair hippy dropout bass-player” if he hadn’t cleaned up his act and got a proper job, and in addition”, she added, needlessly, “all this wailing about nothing and widdly-widdly, Judas Priest-style guitar solos just make me want to tear my own hair out.”

Local art historian and eccentric Joan Douglas today finally acknowledged her eldest and favourite son after appearing to erase his entire existence from history in 2007. The strange conflict with reality occurred when she was displaying pictures from her life in a “box” in an art show examining the way in which we collect artefacts of our lives at the Museum of Antiquities at Newcastle University.

It was not only the critics that were underwhelmed by the exhibition. Eldest and favourite son Simon pointed out that any reference to him had been erased from the box, while simultaneously contacting the family solicitors to check that the same was not true of her will.

Local Talent scouts remain mystified by this whole article.

Despite the omission Joan has attempted to make good what she claims was an “oversight” through making a generous contribution towards Simon’s forthcoming nuptials.

Attempting to make some sense of the situation, and manfully hiding his sense of abandonment, Simon modestly disclosed today “I can’t really understand the omission to be honest, as a regularly photographed former rock star I would have lent a bit of glamour to the proceedings. It’s widely recognised in artistic circles that not only am I the one with the talent but I’m also the ‘looker’ of the family.”

Douglas in football-playing days

Simon Douglas opened his heart to the Daily Splash today as he admitted he will now never fulfill his lifelong dream of representing his boyhood heroes Newcastle United at St James Park. Despite clearly having more talent than many of those who have worn the famous black and white shirt in recent years, Douglas insists he could have made it, but concedes his time is now probably passed. “Those terrible years of sitting in the stands and watching clowns like Barton, Fereday, Dillon, Rush, Fumaca and Barnes made me want to weep, not to mention get on the pitch and show them how it’s done.”

Even several years as a staunch member of the “Freeman Queens” 5-a-side team at Eldon Square singularly failed to encourage him to come to terms with his limitations, and he could often be heard after games wishing that “Keegan had been there to see that goal!”

Even in recent years when his only contact with football was on Sky TV in the Punch Bowl public house while resting his pint on his belly he felt that all was not lost—”when you have talent like mine you know that you’re always in with a chance to fulfill your dream, but now I suppose my new married life will have to take precedence—Catherine hates football so I’ve finally retired—but even so she’s just about worth it.”