The Daily Splash

While wedding guests were enjoying an open-top bus tour of Newcastle there were dramatic scenes in Jesmond Vale as Mark Savage, genius of the photographic image, needed to be rescued from the back seat of Catherine’s Mini after the seat jammed. Fortunately Cafe Bar One again came to the rescue—this time with the loan of a tin opener to remove the Mini’s roof.

Mary Gotts was credited with matchmaking genius following the unleashing of the incredible hat of pulling at the wedding.

Bridesmaid Hattie admitted to being “overcome with lust” upon seeing best man Ian sporting the elegant titfer. The Daily Splash has, until now been unable to verify reports that the traditional extension of the best man’s duties beyond the end of the wedding day continued with the bagging of the bridesmaid, but we are willing to pay for the story—from the evidence of our exclusive picture the hat was clearly having it’s desired effect.

Reports that Simon was later wearing nothing but the hat and a rubber gorilla hand in the foyer of Malmaison have similarly still not been confirmed. Did you see anything? Contact kissandtellbitch@thedailysplash.co.uk

Stephanie and Paul, family members of the renowned McWhirter clan of “Guiness Book of World Records” fame were over the moon to discover Britain’s tallest man at the wedding. “We were resigned to an expensive and boring trip to the north east” claimed Stephanie, “but our chance meeting with Stumpy at the wedding really made our day worthwhile. We are even in negotiations over a possible lead role in our Christmas panto, Snow White.”

The happy couple were nearly not so happy when it emerged that the wedding cake had been unthinkingly cut up by Milburns staff before it had been officially cut by the couple. As Simon later pointed out “the cutting of the cake is a symbolic act analogous to the breaching of the bride’s virginity—much as I enjoyed Mark the chef’s brown ale jus, I think it should have been my knife plunging into the soft fruity interior of the cake and not his.”

They are pictured right, safely directing their fury at the cake, and not at the culpable Milburns staff.

Catherine and Simon were at loggerheads again yesterday when it was discovered that a large number of cow-themed items had mysteriously appeared on the wedding list and been purchased by generous guests. These included a fridge, a full set of cow print bed linen, six Friesian-patterned toasters, a family fun-sized pack of Britain’s Farm Animals and an actual cow.

Simon declared his surprise at the addition of these items, not least because Netto where they have the list does not stock any of them. “We have a pact that the number of cow-themed items will decrease in our house on regular basis, and that no new items will arrive. I was under the impression that I had managed to cure Catherine of her obsession—clearly I was wrong.”

Catherine professed herself as mystified as everyone else. She claimed “since our trip to Brighton to purchase a life-sized mirrorball cow, which now resides in the garden, I have agreed to buy no more cow-related items, I can only assume that the cow memorabilia industry was facing ruin without my patronage and has somehow infiltrated the list.”

XLR8R in early 90’s glamourous pomp

Fans of nearly-famous 90s heavy metal band XLR8R were in a frenzy today when it was announced that their long-lost classic album, “Hair Today…” had been rediscovered in an attic.

Former bass-god Simon Douglas, now sadly lacking his once-famous tresses, was ecstatic. “This could be what the music world has been waiting for” he said, “we have been putting up with rubbish like Oasis, Keane, Coldplay and Razorlight for long enough – this could represent a long overdue return for heavy metal!”

When contacted for her verdict however, fiancée Catherine declared the masterwork “crap” and claimed she would never have agreed to marry a “greasy long-hair hippy dropout bass-player” if he hadn’t cleaned up his act and got a proper job, and in addition”, she added, needlessly, “all this wailing about nothing and widdly-widdly, Judas Priest-style guitar solos just make me want to tear my own hair out.”

Cathy B the “Topless totty from Teddington” ties all our tongues on her wedding day and gives a sneak preview of the treat in store for lucky new husband Simon tonight. All was not complete however until she got her kit off for the attentions of the Daily Splash snapper.

It’s obvious that there will be many references today to the “fine pair” that Catherine and Simon make but now we have made sure that he is not the only one who knows what a fine pair is hiding under the wedding dress. Lucky lucky boy!

Local art historian and eccentric Joan Douglas today finally acknowledged her eldest and favourite son after appearing to erase his entire existence from history in 2007. The strange conflict with reality occurred when she was displaying pictures from her life in a “box” in an art show examining the way in which we collect artefacts of our lives at the Museum of Antiquities at Newcastle University.

It was not only the critics that were underwhelmed by the exhibition. Eldest and favourite son Simon pointed out that any reference to him had been erased from the box, while simultaneously contacting the family solicitors to check that the same was not true of her will.

Local Talent scouts remain mystified by this whole article.

Despite the omission Joan has attempted to make good what she claims was an “oversight” through making a generous contribution towards Simon’s forthcoming nuptials.

Attempting to make some sense of the situation, and manfully hiding his sense of abandonment, Simon modestly disclosed today “I can’t really understand the omission to be honest, as a regularly photographed former rock star I would have lent a bit of glamour to the proceedings. It’s widely recognised in artistic circles that not only am I the one with the talent but I’m also the ‘looker’ of the family.”

Douglas in football-playing days

Simon Douglas opened his heart to the Daily Splash today as he admitted he will now never fulfill his lifelong dream of representing his boyhood heroes Newcastle United at St James Park. Despite clearly having more talent than many of those who have worn the famous black and white shirt in recent years, Douglas insists he could have made it, but concedes his time is now probably passed. “Those terrible years of sitting in the stands and watching clowns like Barton, Fereday, Dillon, Rush, Fumaca and Barnes made me want to weep, not to mention get on the pitch and show them how it’s done.”

Even several years as a staunch member of the “Freeman Queens” 5-a-side team at Eldon Square singularly failed to encourage him to come to terms with his limitations, and he could often be heard after games wishing that “Keegan had been there to see that goal!”

Even in recent years when his only contact with football was on Sky TV in the Punch Bowl public house while resting his pint on his belly he felt that all was not lost—”when you have talent like mine you know that you’re always in with a chance to fulfill your dream, but now I suppose my new married life will have to take precedence—Catherine hates football so I’ve finally retired—but even so she’s just about worth it.”

The newlywed Mr and Mrs/Ms/Dr Douglas/ Bertenshaw (delete as applicable depending on what she decides on the day) have been panned by critics following their self-gratifyingly self-referential wedding theme in which they have created a fake newspaper featuring “amusing” stories vaguely relating to their life together. The disgustingly titled “Daily Splash” has both disturbed and disappointed guests at the wedding festivities.

Simon’s mum’s best friend has declared the whole idea “exactly what you would expect from Simon, I’m so glad my son turned out to be much more sensible and so much more successful.”

In addition, friends of Catherine’s mum have been overheard to declare that it was nowhere near as good as her famous Christmas letter of 2005, although admittedly that was overshadowed, as it has been every year, by her mum’s far more erudite and amusing effort.

Simon’s personal tutor on his MBA course was quoted as saying “if he had put half as much effort and creativity into this course he would actually be on course to pass it now, instead of being in danger of being chucked out of University – again. Nevertheless, I’m once again disappointed with the lack of structure and the poor quality of the referencing.”